Thursday, 14 May 2015

W.R.A.I.T.H.

VON BLOFF
Welcome, gentlemen, to W.R.A.I.T.H. Our mission…

DELIVERY GUY
Dominos! You, lessee, Mr. Von Blof?

VON BLOFF
You aren't allowed in here. This is a top secret organization, dedicated to terror, extortion, blackmail…

DELIVERY GUY
…and you owe $34.95.

VON BLOFF
$34.95? That's outrageous. 

DELIVERY GUY
No money, no pizza.

Von Bloff turns to his seated subordinates.

VON BLOFF
Gentlemen: which one of you is behind this juvenile little prank? 

Delivery Guy notices fish tank behind Von Bloff's chair.

DELIVERY GUY
Hey, is that a pufferfish ya got in there?

VON BLOFF
What? Ja, ja. An extremely rare breed: the leaping Tetradonitadae Malificus. One touch means death. In excruciating--

DELIVERY GUY
They're cute. I got four at home.

VON BLOFF
Preposterous. I paid ten thousand pounds each for these. Half the expedition died in the Amazon--

DELIVERY GUY
Dude, you wuz robbed. They had them on discount at Pet Value. Hey, there lil’ fella. Coochee coochee coo!

VON BLOFF
Wha-what are you doing? Don't touch them!

DELIVERY GUY
It’s okay. Only the spines are dangerous.

Delivery guy pulls out deadly fish and strokes it.

VON BLOFF
Put it back. Give me that fish!

Von Bloff grabs at fish.

DELIVERY GUY
Hey, watch it.

A spine pierces Von Bloff's finger.

VON BLOFF
Ow! Schiesse. You dumbkopf!

DELIVERY GUY
Oh, dude. You’re turning purple. 

VON BLOFF
The pain… is excruciating.

DELIVERY GUY
Man. I better call my wife, throw those fish out.

VON BLOFF
You… idiot. Unnnh!

DELIVERY GUY
Wait! Don’t die. You owe me thirty-five bucks!

VON BLOFF
Yes. Stiffing you shall be… my revenge…

Monday, 11 May 2015

Heist Skit

MARTY
Is this legal?

CECIL
Course it is. Now shut up.

MARTY
Why are we wearing masks then?

CECIL
I value my privacy. Hand me the blowtorch.

MARTY
You never told mom you owned a bank.

CECIL
I don’t talk to mom anymore.

MARTY
She always said you were a real loser.

CECIL
Uh huh.

MARTY
She said you’d never amount to anything.

CECIL
Take this. Lemme pull the bars off.

MARTY
She said you’d wind up being somebody’s bitch in prison.

CECIL
This is why I don’t talk to mom. Give me the code cracker. Box with all the buttons on it.

MARTY
OK. It’s her birthday next week.

CECIL
Here we go.

MARTY
Why don’t you have a key?

CECIL
Told you. I lost it.

MARTY
But…

CECIL
And i forgot the combination and passwords.

MARTY
That seems kinda irresponsible, Cecil.

CECIL
DO you have any idea how many passwords I have?

MARTY
I have two.

CECIL
Ha! More than that. Just a few more seconds.

MARTY
Three?

CECIL
97. Yes! Gimme a hand. Push.

MARTY
Wow. This is a really big vault.

CECIL
Start filling your bags. Put’em on the cart, yeah? 

MARTY
Look at all the money and gold an’ shiny stuff.

CECIL
Less gawking, more stuffing.

MARTY
Can I give this gold watch to mom?

CECIL
No. No gifts for mom!

MARTY
She likes watches.

CECI
So? She never got me anything for my birthday.

MARTY
She got you socks.

CECIL
Socks don’t count. 

MARTY
We should get her something.

CECIL
No. Okay. Fine. You wanna give her something? She can have the damn blowtorch.

MARTY
Aw, c’mon, Cecil. You know they won’t let her have a blowtorch in prison.

Friday, 8 May 2015

Berlin: Then and Now

Then and now photo collages are all the rage these days. They're remarkably eerie and affecting, especially ones of Berlin. Considering the peace and calm of the locations today, it's hard to believe they were the site of such horrific violence just seventy years ago.

You can see some good mash-ups here, here, and here. And creepy ones of the Altes here. They've done a really good job of matching the angles.

I thought I'd add a few to the online collection. So here are my attempts, matching my travel photos with ones plucked out of history:

Reichstag during winter of 1945. Merged with present day.
The Reichstag, during winter 1945 and spring 2015

Soviet troops storm the Reichstag in 1945. Merged with the idyll of 2015.
The Dome Cathedral, from across the Lustgarten

A mess in front of the Reichstag

Looking at the Altes Museum

Sunset assault

Tooling around the Lustgarten with artillery

The brand new iCar!

I wrote this little skit before I heard that Apple really IS developing a car. So hard to do satire.

INT. APPLE CAR DEALERSHIP
A SALESGUY meets TED, an eager customer.

SALESGUY
Come on into the show room, Ted. Ready?

TED
Am I!

SALESGUY
Here it is: The iCar! Apple’s first automobile.

TED
Wow! Sleek! Very cool.

SALESGUY
Six years in development. Focused on the customer experience every step of the way. Go on. Touch it.

TED
It’s… like touching air.

SALESGUY
Frictionless surface. Designed to cut through air like a shark slices through water… Self-cleaning surfaces. Adaptive all-weather tires. It can hit 300 KPH in sixty seconds and runs on salt water. Want to take it for a spin?

TED
Yeah! Uh… where… where’s the door handle?

SALESGUY
I know, right? Removed those unsightly things. Door’s hydraulic.

TED
Where’s the release?

SALESGUY
That’s the best part. You’ll never guess!

TED
I give.

SALESGUY
Under the car!

Ted gets on his hands and knees and looks under car. Reaches. 

SALESGUY (CONT’D)
Reach… no, further under. If you get on your back, you can… stretch. Up more. There! You got it. Hop in.

TED
Did the seat just shift?

SALESGUY
Smart materials. Press the start button.

TED
So quiet! Can hardly hear the engine. And the dash… so minimal.

SALESGUY
Embedded digital displays. 

TED
Radio? CD Player?

SALESGUY
Better: it has the complete U2 collection. And auto downloads all their new songs. For free.

TED
But I hate U2.

SALESGUY
No, you don’t.

TED
Yes. I do.

SALESGUY
I don’t think so. Move your arms.

TED
I can’t! 

SALESGUY
Pull hard. It’s Ultra Grip Velcro. No more sloppy seat belts.

TED
Hey… there’s only one pedal…

SALESGUY
Streamlined design. Tap once for gas, twice for brakes.

TED
There’s no speedometer!

SALESGUY
Ted, if you’re going too fast, the police will tell you. That’s what they’re for. 

TED
I guess… I…

SALESGUY
Which reminds me. You’ll need to upgrade your license.

TED
What? Why?

SALESGUY
Evolution of driving. You don’t want to fall behind, like the dinosaurs and the baby boomers, do you?

TED
No. God no. Of course not.

SALESGUY
Great! We’ll be updating the interface every six months. Here’s a brochure.

TED
Thanks.

SALESGUY
Think of it, Ted: you’ll be the envy of all your neighbours. And let me tell you, Ted: the ladies LOVE this car.

TED
Yeah… Aw, heck, I’ll take it!

SALESGUY
Perfect. Sign this User Agreement form and I’ll get the billing going… What are you doing?

TED
Reading it.

SALESGUY
Don’t bother. We reserve the right to update the terms retroactively at any time without informing you.

TED
Oh. I see.
(signs)

SALESGUY
Congratulations! You are the proud owner of a brand new iCAR!

TED
Yes! Comes with Apple Care, right?

SALESGUY
Absolutely Ted. You’re covered until the iCAR II comes out. We only keep parts for current products, you understand.

TED
Oh. When’s the next model coming out?

SALESGUY
(checks watch)
Wednesday. You passed the line up for it when you came in.

Thursday, 2 April 2015

Going, going, gone.


From The Slow Death of the American Newsroom.

Kind of puts all those 'rah-rah-the-press-is-doing-super-awesome' articles in perspective.

Monday, 9 March 2015

Spectrum 22 Awards: Silver/Gold Nomination

A poster for the Rebel Angels comic has been nominated for a silver/gold award at this year's Spectrum Awards. This is a mucho big honour.

I mean, like, uh, wow.

Check out all the nominees.

Wednesday, 31 December 2014

David Hockney on why art has become 'less'


Hockney claims galleries and museums have focused too much on conceptual art, and he blames the camera, film and television for making artists give up on figurative art.

See the rest of the article here.